Hiding in the Substack Drafts

(This drawing does not exist anymore as I mucked it up)

OK, truth time, there are currently two other essays sitting in my drafts and this is my third attempt at one I feel happy sending. The first essay I wrote had the title ‘On giving up’ I kept editing it and editing it- I think it was inspired by reading Adam Phillip’s (a psychotherapist and writer) book with the same title. Perhaps it felt too revealing… maybe this was a topic I just needed to write about for myself. I don’t know if anyone else finds this, but drafts can hold some interesting stuff, maybe there’s something cathartic in the writing of certain pieces, but we don’t necessarily need to share them.

In the second essay, I went into my ongoing struggle about how to have a personal art practice that is reactive to how I’m feeling, and not get caught up thinking about how others might perceive my work. I have this tendency to want to seek external validation with art, which can sometimes result in me feeling a little disconnected from what I make. I’m preoccupied with internal chatter about what others might think of my art and whether they think I’m wasting my time (which all leads to inhibition and procrastination in my art). Again this essay was a bit uncomfortable to read back, as I can see I still have the same issues and ingrained thought patterns from years ago, and it is not much fun to realise I’m still probably a little messed up.

In conclusion, there is always this push and pull in me concerning what I want to hide, and what I am comfortable revealing. I imagine this is common with a lot of writers whose writing is personal in focus, and for artists who share their work online. I think, maybe, I’m not alone in this at this time - aren’t we all rethinking online boundaries, about who is entitled to what parts of us? Allowing more space for the contemplation of the ‘why’, has been helpful. I know a lot of people are getting offline and social media more, and the reward from this, which does take a bit of time to see, is that there is more room for being introspective, becoming a little more attuned to your idiosyncrasies, flaws even. The extra space can then lead to wanting maybe even more privacy in the creation, in considering perhaps one doesn’t have to share everything or be reactive to all the well-meaning advice on the internet on what you should be doing with your art.

I do rather feel the term ‘going on a journey’ gets overused, however, if I take a bird’s eye perspective I can see I have been travelling all over the place with my art. This path may not have been terribly conventional in nature. I have not entered art competitions, made a portfolio or even produced a coherent series of work in recent months. I have not joined courses or workshops, but I think the big thing for myself- before I can even think of any of the above - is I am prioritising doing the art I want to do, I have more faith in myself to explore it, and experiment. I have been making art I know full well could be disliked by an old audience, that might know me for purely realistic work, and easily dismissed by some of my family members - but, I have been plugging away at doing something for myself. I have been trying to allow myself to enjoy art for art’s sake, some days it provides simply a means to do a copy of a master, a quick study, other days it is a way to combat the melancholy and dial down anxieties. Art provides a way to connect with myself. I am always interested in the work I do not feel connected to, what was my internal chatter that day? - what was I trying to prove?

My current aim is to allow myself to be content in the making. What then can I offer by sharing art? I can, I guess, speak of what works in my personal experience- for example, the last few months have shown me the benefit of writing about your practice (thanks unsent substack essays!!). Writing allows another way of observing and commenting on your thoughts. It is useful to note how you are spending your time, as it is so easy to operate on autopilot. Sometimes we can also expect too much of our creativity, maybe I am guilty of that- it is not a magic bullet. I think I have currently come to terms with not wanting to tie up my status too much in it, I am sitting with what would happen if I’m a little quieter with it. What does seeking internal validation through art mean? I also have come to terms with the fact I am never going to get the validation I seek from certain quarters, even to be seen, but actually, that is quite freeing - I’m not a child anymore needing to impress, or please with my achievements. Maybe I thought that by hiding my art I was letting certain people win, but ultimately perhaps the win here is by letting myself enjoy it, - share it, don’t share it- the point is no one can stop me drawing now, and there was a time when they could.

I don’t know how long this particular phase will last, I know I’m highly changeable, always tempted to go down different rabbit holes, and all this does coincide with more requirements and needs at home, so it is nice not to feel pulled in too many directions- I do appreciate being a little more focused on the making of the art and not the thinking about what to do with it, for the time being at least…

Thank you for reading. As ever, I hope you are having fun in your creative endeavours,

Best,

Sonia